For nearly 17 years I helped my grandma, called her Nanny, put up her Christmas tree. We would drive to Danville, grab dinner, and shop for any new Christmas decorations needed. Then we would head back to her house in Potomac where we would turn on Christmas music and then the magic began. We both loved watching her living room transform into a gorgeous Christmas display. However, my Nanny would become quite emotional every year around the same time in the decoration process. She would sit on the couch looking at the old ornaments that adorned her tree. I would then join her on the couch and we would laugh, cry, and share stories about the loved ones associated with those ornaments. Nanny would share beautiful memories with her family and talk about the loved ones she had lost. One Christmas, shortly after losing her mother, my great-grandmother, I remember that Nanny was unable to handle this process. That year she could not put out certain ornaments and decorations. As a young kid, I did not know what was happening, but now as I look back on it, my Nanny was navigating the holidays during a time of intense grief and she needed to protect herself from being overwhelmed with grief. Maybe you’ve been there. Perhaps you are there.
Have you found yourself dreading the holidays? Are you struggling to find some of the joy and excitement you usually have about all the festivities and holiday parties? I get it; honestly, you are not alone in feeling that way. The holidays can be a difficult time for many of us—especially after experiencing the loss of a loved one.
As we head into the hustle and bustle of the holidays, we can also find ourselves ignoring the grief that is taking place. A professor once told me, “Grief is like a friend with bad social skills, you never know when they are going to act up.” So we know that by ignoring our grief, we will likely see if show up in the most inopportune times—unless we make a plan. I want to share a few things that will hopefully make the holidays a little less challenging and perhaps, just a little more enjoyable. I also recognize in sharing these with you that each one of us grieves differently. Some of these things may work and some may not be as effective for you and your family. I would encourage you to try on some of these ideas and adjust them to fit you and your needs.
Traditions—many families enjoy those little traditions such as who puts the star on the top or who cuts the turkey and what ornaments to put on the tree, but when our loved one is not there to participate in that tradition it can be debilitating. A question I am often asked is, “What should I do with our traditions because they do not feel the same?”
Traditions can bring us joy or they can evoke such sadness that they are difficult to embrace. I think it is important to evaluate and adjust traditions as necessary. A way to determine if an adjustment is needed is to ask yourself a few questions:
Can I still participate in this tradition in a way that does not overwhelm me with intense grief, to where I am no longer able to enjoy the act of the tradition itself? Is there something about this tradition that if I adjust, will make it more tolerable for me to navigate? Things such as changing the seating arrangement, location of the family gathering, or the order of opening presents are some small ways to adjust your holiday traditions without getting rid of the traditions you once enjoyed.
After losing a loved one, there may be new traditions that you need to establish. Hanging a special ornament in memory of the loved one, placing a special picture out, or even what side dishes are being served for dinner. When creating a new tradition, here are a few things I like to consider: Is this tradition a way for me to celebrate and honor my loved one? If the loved one were here today, would they also enjoy this new tradition? Does this new tradition bring a little relief to the intense grief I am experiencing?
Navigating our schedules during times of grief can be challenging. For some, there is a tendency to overfill our schedules and for others it is more appealing to isolate and withdraw because no one truly understands your grief. While I understand and respect both responses, I want to challenge both approaches. As you look at your holiday calendar, is it too busy and it’s time to do a little pruning so you have some time to process and grieve? If your calendar is empty, could we look at adding something that would provide time for you to connect with others?
As you plan your schedule, another important piece to remember is that when we are grieving, our bodies require more energy and effort to do the most mundane tasks. Even things like eating dinner with family or getting dressed and out of bed can take a lot more effort to make happen. We need to anticipate that during the holidays the family gatherings that once brought us joy and excitement, may feel a bit dull and exhausting. I believe by being prepared for these things we can be more intentional in our schedules. Look at your holiday calendar did you plan times and days to grieve, to rest, and to recharge?
Plan to grieve—as much as that does not sound appealing, we have to acknowledge the loss and allow ourselves to grieve in some fashion. I often share with clients that failing to do this is like holding a beach ball underwater. It is doable, but it is exhausting and eventually, the ball pops out of the water and makes a mess. By scheduling times to grieve, process, and reflect we can take some of the “air” out of the beach ball of grief.
As an adult, I now find myself putting the ornaments on the tree that once stood in my
Nanny’s house. I will place the ornaments on the tree and then will venture to the couch to reflect, shed some tears, share stories of my Nanny with my twins and my wife, and sometimes laugh about what Nanny may say about my decorations for this year. I plan this time and I anticipate the day the tree goes up to be a tough day. It is in anticipating it that I do not get surprised by the flood of emotions and I am more equipped to navigate them in a healthy way. This year, can you anticipate the tough days ahead? Can you plan for moments to allow yourself to grieve? I do not know many people who like to be surprised, so let’s take the surprise out. Let’s plan ahead. I truly believe that even though it is hard at times, it is a much healthier way to handle the holidays.
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